BIRTHDAY SEX: 6 steps to the best birthday bash in the bedroom

I got a special request from a man celebrating his birthday – he wants Birthday Sex. I told him there’s two birthday combo meals to choose from: regular birthday sex or the deluxe Birthday Blowout. Regular birthday sex is just like a multiple entry visa – you can put it any of the three holes, or all three if you want. And the suped-up Birthday Blowout includes the 6 B’s men want in life – babes, beer, beef, blow jobs, boobs and butt sex. He chose the latter, here’s how we celebrated:

1. BABE – I let myself in and waited in his place (key was under the doormat). He said he wanted to come home to a pretty girl waiting for him. So I got dolled up – big hair, fresh Brazilian wax, silk lingerie and a butt plug in my ass. I know he’s going to ask for anal – my ass better be prepared, so to speak.

2. BEER – He’s at the door, I pinch my nipples to get them hard. Then I greet him in my lingerie – with nipples so stiff, they’re visible through the silk. He says I look like the perfect gift he can’t wait to unwrap. I ask him to go to the kitchen, then I hand him a nice cold Heineken. He’s grinning from ear to ear and says, “A lady and some lager – what’s next?”

3. BEEF – They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. I don’t cook, so I just got him a Grade A Angus steak from a swanky steakhouse. I reheat it in the oven so it looks like I made it. I served it to him in my lingerie. I would’ve worn an apron with nothing underneath but it’s unsanitary in a kitchen. Besides, I wanted to keep the butt plug a surprise. While he chowed down the beef, he grabbed me to sit on his lap. He says I should eat, too. Hint taken.

4. “You want me to blow out your candle?” I asked. So while he ate meat, I feasted on his man meat by giving head. He got close to coming, but he said not to get him off. He carried me upstairs, while kissing. He tasted like beer and beef – I hope he doesn’t jizz in my mouth, he’d taste really bitter.

5. BUTT Sex – On the bed, he flips me to lie on my side, caresses up my hips and moves up the silk lingerie until I’m naked from the waist down. He sees the butt plug. He groans with lust. He throws my legs forward then plays with the plug – twisting it in to tease me, smirking as my legs writhe in pleasure. Then I say what he wants to hear, “Take it out, I want you inside me.” When he removed the butt plug, the more I wanted him in me. “Are you spread wide enough to take me?” he asks, while he pushes the plug in and out. God, he knows how to make me want it. The plug’s been there all day that when he started thrusting slowly, it was a heavenly mixture of pleasure and relief. I almost didn’t want him to come just so he’d keep going.

6. Breasts – Before he climaxed, he said, “I wanna come on your tits.” He slaps his cock on my hard nipples and immediately blew his load on my breasts. Talk about a birthday blowout.

He said it was his best birthday ever, but he never got to eat cake. Before the euphemism dawned on me, he savagely spread my legs wide open and went downtown. Marie Antoinette once famously said, “Let them eat cake.” So I let him eat the cake between my thighs. Besides, I haven’t come yet. He got me off by tonguing my sweet icing – one lick at a time.

And that’s how you do birthday sex – get a man what makes him happy: a lady in lingerie, liquor and lovemaking.

How to have sex while on your period (and not feel gross)

There’s a new fetish in town: men wanting sex even if she’s got a Tampax on. I don’t know how much of this is inspired by Fifty Shades Of Gray, or if it’s just men wanting instant gratification regardless of her menstrual cycle. Whatever the reason, here’s how to indulge a man’s Period Sex Fetish without making your bedsheets look like a scene from CSI – fuck him in the shower. It’s sex without a trace of blood – just like an episode of Dexter. (Ladies, you know you’re extra horny during your period, so really, this is a win-win situation.)

To the uninitiated, shower sex is more dangerous than it seems. I’ve suffered injuries while fucking in showers. Here’s a few precautions to keep in mind:

1. HOLD ON to a shower handle like you’re a senior citizen clutching on the safety bar. Once, I tried to be all Cirque du Soleil and had my leg up on the wall during shower sex. I slipped and my hands flailed to grab something to hold on to. There were no safety handles, so I just grasped the only thing I saw: a man’s erection. His dick was bruised, but at least I’m alive.

2. Use soap only to lather him up – don’t wash his privates. Once, I tried to soap under his foreskin (there was some dick Gouda in there) and it dried him up his penis hurt. Soap dehydrates the dick and destroys the pH balance. Wash with water only.

3. If you have a detachable shower head, have your partner use it on you. Ask them to target your clit with a mild drizzle. Make sure the water is tepid, though. Once, I had a man shower-head my clit and his roommate walked in and flushed the toilet – the water was so hot, my clit burned like a red hot chill pepper.

4. Don’t try those sex positions in movies where they fuck against the shower door. I did that before, I was all pressed up on the glass door while getting banged from behind. Guess what? The magnetic door gave out and I came flying out of the shower. I was out cold, splayed on the tile floor like dead Elvis. It’s alright, though – a tacky shaggy bath rug broke my fall.

5. LUBE UP. Just because you’re all wet from the shower doesn’t mean you don’t need lube. In fact you need more – if you use water-based lube, it gets washed away in the shower. Use SILICON lube instead, it’s waterproof. 

6. TONE DOWN THE STEAM. If the shower is too hot, and you’re panting together in a small enclosed cubicle, you may pass out. Trust me, I fucked in a hot sauna and the guy passed out (I blogged about it a couple nights ago). Make sure there’s good circulation.

Shower sex may be bloody dangerous, but if you keep the above precautions in mind, you’ll live to bleed another day.

Pussy pumps and pillow lips

The man I had sex with is obsessed with Angelina Jolie lips, a.k.a. the Trout Pout. He tells me his kink is a big mouth – full, plump, bee-stung lips. So I puckered up and kissed him. He said, “No” – he didn’t mean the lips on my face. He meant my lips down there, he meant pussy lips.

He pulls out an air pump that looks like the one for taking blood pressure. He says it’s a Pussy Pump. (Japan, is this your fault again?) He tells me to lay back because he’s gonna puff up my vag lips with the pump until they’re fat like Octomom’s mouth. He says it’s safe and it will go back to normal. It better, because I don’t want my pussy lips to look like Dennis Rodman down there.

So he lubes me up, puts the suction cup on, then pumps. I feel like my lady bits are being vacuumed, it’s a funny sensation. I watch my labia become fatter and fatter until it filled the suction cup. Forget camel toes, the pussy looked like a whole damn hippopotamus hoof now.

When I said “Enough,” he takes off the cup, then caresses the puffy pussy. I look at it – all pink and plump. Then he licks it. God, it’s so sensitive, the slightest lick had me squirming in bed. I’m not even going to go into what it did to my clitoris. It got so big, my clit looked like the inside of a sliced avocado – with the giant seed protruding. If my clit was an avocado, the guacamole could have fed the entire Mexican border.

I’ve heard of chubby chasers – men turned on by voluptuous plus-sized women- but this man was a chubby-pussy chaser. He says he wants in so he enters, then starts praising how it feels. I ask him, “What’s the fuss with a fat fanny?” He says they feel like pillows around his penis, like a cushion for his cock, like bean bags for his boner. Talk about cushion for the pushin’!

Even after sex, it was still plump and puffed out. After he came, I put my panties on and they still peeked out of my panties – like a muffin top of the muff. Even when it started to subside and deflate, he still kept petting it like it’s a paw of a pussy(cat).

How to Dominate a Man in Bed (S&M)

Mr. Tyson came in and made his kink known right away. He said, “I want you to dominate me.” Word on the grapevine is that he’s one of those young military alpha-male types; he would be into dominant/submissive kinks. He gets to boss soldiers around all day, I wonder how that translates in the sack. Must be hot.

He strips and shows off his hard body- chiseled, tan lines, sexy manly bruises. A little short height-wise, but that makes it plausible for me to “dominate” him. Here’s how:

Step 1 – As soon as he joined in bed, I straddled him and he loved the roughness. The rules of war apply to sex. As in Sun Tzu’s The Art of War, always introduce the Element of Surprise. 

Step 2 – Power trip. I said, “Shut the fuck up” then I hush him up with a kiss. The kiss was aggressive, almost scathing. I feel his hands squeezing the small of my back, he’s so into it. He bites me through the kiss. I bite him back then I pull away to make it hurt. His lips in my teeth, I feel the fury of his erection on my crotch. He was giving me a full salute down there, cocking the gun in his crotch (if you know what I mean).

Step 3 –  He rubs his hard-on on me, then slides in. I refuse- it’s all part of the game. He eyes me straight, smirks and thrusts up – hell, he feels good. I don’t move, just to torture him. He hisses, “Fuck me.” I smile and say no. He pushes my hips down, so I retaliate: I do Kegels and squeeze him while he’s inside me.

Turns out I’m not the only one who can do Kegels. He retaliates: he twitches his dick at will and I feel it inside me, moving like a remote-controlled vibrator (except quieter.) I Kegels and he twitches again. I feel him everywhere inside me, in all directions. It was divine.

Step 4 – As I take him, my mouth hangs open, tongue peeking out. He licks my tongue, we get into another fight for domination: a duel of tongues. He gets off on the power trip. I pull away from his kiss, but he holds me by the neck. Balls of fire! That chokehold had me gushing in my naughty bits like a monsoon flood.

Our power dynamic was varied; it was more like fighting for dominance. He would do something to me and he dares me to “Fight back.” It was so sexy how I would provoke him sexually, and he would return the favor.

Step 5 – He bucks his hips up to me, so I grind back onto him, rocking my hips. We went back and forth until he was coming. “That’s enough,” he said before he flips us over so I’m underneath him. He whispers, “No more games, I’m gonna finish you off.” Then he thrust us both into orgasm.

I could’ve gone another round (I felt like I was just 75% into the climax), but I think I’d end up with too many bite marks and a sore tongue, so it’s best we call it a night. We fought for domination, but in the end, we both won the game.